The True story of Robin Hood and his merry band of men

Many, many, years ago, over 888 in fact, anyway some time during the 13th. Century, there lived In the depths of Sherwood Forest, a large band of free spirits who had banded together to lead the outlaws life, and whose leader was that very well known local rascal named Robin Hood. The outlaws had banded together to lead the life of the idle, the dilatory, the irresponsible, typically “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine also”, and if you don’t like it, well bugger off then or we’ll have you for dinner. Very, very similar to the gang life in New Zealand today, the major difference being that they cultivated, grew, and sold magic mushrooms to the innocents, whilst here in New Zealand today, they manufacture and grow methamphetamine, commonly known as P.
Under the leadership of Robin Hood they banded together and though their activities, created an illusion which stated that they would at every given opportunity, they would rob the rich and give to the poor. Jolly load of old cobblers that. What in fact they did was robbed everyone, both the rich and the poor, and anybody else who’s path they crossed. Not only did they rob, but at the slightest provocation, and frequently without any cause, or simply at the drop of someone’s hat because they were bored, they murdered indiscriminately. Young, old, men or women. No discriminating with this vicious bunch of thugs.
It all started when Robin was put into day care to be looked after by the nuns from the local Catholic convent, when he was just a wee toddler. This could well have been the original kindergarten as we know them today, but these bozos were no ordinary kids. As fate would have it, his very first buddy was another young tear away with the mouthful of name called Eustace, later to be called Eustace Lowdham, because of some blue blood running through his veins. Their fate was sealed when they were still in nappies – the cloth things that which were all the rage in those days, and the nun in whose they happened to be in this particular day, was too lazy to use two nappies instead of one, when she went to change them on one occasion, stuck the great big pin through not one of them, but stabbed both of them, drawing blood from each bum, therefore instantly making them blood brothers. Little did the lazy wretch now that her actions would become an integral part of the folk-lore of the 13th. Which has lived on and on and on, and is still to this day immortalized in a 21st century TV series? No wonder the Pope is bald, and he, a former member of Hitler’s youth choir, cringes when ever he hears the ballad of Robin Hood and his band of Merry Men. All this because of the abuse of a nun from another era. It could well be said by the cynics that not much has changed over the centuries, but as a good Catholic boy, I cannot subscribe or support these allegations. However those who have the view that the abused globally and the Maoris here, are in a competition for the “Give me the money award” presented annually to see who can grab the most cash, are probably not too far of the mark.
Well these two, who are now mates for life, conspired and conjured up a plot which they titled “How to get rich quick, without having to buy a lotto ticket”. They created a devious plan which became known in later years as the “Rob the rich and give to the poor”, but in actuality was a cunning scheme to “Rob the rich and the also rob the poor”. Bugger that lot they said, meaning the poor, they find somebody else to steal from, that is of course after we have had our share.
It was decided that because of the blue blood that coursed through the veins of Eustace the useless, and the common old red stuff which Robin the peasant had to put up with, that after they had been discharged from borstal where inevitably they had ended up, they would go there separate ways, at least as far as the public were concerned, and that Eustace would take his rightful place and be elected as the Sheriff of Nottingham. In the meanwhile, Robin had teamed up with a bunch of similarly minded delinquents, including that slob who invented obesity, Friar Tuck, and Will with the bow and arrow –which proves if nothing else that the Red Indians in the US were not the original inventors of this iniquitous peace of warmongering equipment, which legend has it, was the original version of what is known today as “weapons of mass destruction”, and last but not at all least, Maid Marion herself.
Not the only time that Marion was a maid, was immediately before she was told that that particular appendage, the “P”, had a considerable monetary value, whereupon she auctioned the rights to the first user to what she believed to be the highest bidder. And indeed this perchance was none other that the bold Robin, whom unbeknown to Marion, had never paid for anything in his life, and after he had supped at the altar of lust and sated his own desires in the most pleasurably of ways (well it is said with authority by many), bedding a virgin is indeed far more gratifying that anything else. His response to her screams when her demand for payment was scornfully rejected, was “suck it in and move on”, which indeed she did and for the rest of her natural years, sucked as much as her gob permitted, and was nick named forever more as Maid Marion, the girl who lost it before she had it.
During these years whilst the gang were establishing their reputation in a dastardly manner, The King of England was a chap named John, a mild-mannered soak, who in order to retain control of the throne, gave his consent to his brother, best known Richard the Lion Heart, to invade foreign lands with a bunch of retards whom history now tells us were mates from the round table, better known as the “Knights of the round table”. During this period of time, when these so called members of the British royalty were abroad, plundering, pillaging, marauding and murdering any infidel who was stupid enough to get in their way, chummy the Sheriff of Nottingham finally saw the amazing opportunity that this chasm had created for himself and his buddy, Robin Hood. With much gusto, extraordinary cunning and heinous intent, the plot which they had schemed to create all those years ago was finally put to the test. Their moment had come, and Richard the Lion heart was wreaking havoc abroad, Eustace the Sherriff and Robin the retard were off and running. The rest as they say is history. Nothing much has changed over the centuries, the rich get richer, the villains get even richer, and God help anybody who takes it upon them to protest. What, you doubt me. Well then I say to you. Look at Burma, look at what was once Southern Rhodesia, and if that is not enough, then look at the the Bush dynasty has done in the USA.

Cheers,

Mick.